Common sense has no place?!?!?!?

Just a debate going on in my mind trying to work out why we can't just use our common sense instead of having to be politically correct all the time. I'm sure we're distroying the Amazon with all the extra letters that get sent out now just to 'cover our backs.' We never had to before has the world really changed so much??? (I mean we didnt do stuff 3 years ago & yet we're doing it now that's just mad)

Anyway just my thoughts

Say it again?

I can't talk to people so I thought I'd blog instead! lemme explain...
During staff meeting on monday night I made a comment which came out in a very deep husky voice... Monday night we went to do a short Christmas thing at a Mencap club I whispered my way through...
Tuesday & Wednesday I had to write instructions to the children instead of telling them! Wednesday eve we planned for next week & it got very silly having to repeat everything I said 3 times! So this morning I didn't go to school the online doctor said to rest my voice so I tried! I had to go to visit my school (yes I have a job for January) to drop off all my paperwork to make it all official!
The amusing part of not having any voice is that the only way for me to say anything to people is to speak using the vocal chords I never use so yes I can sing bass now! (Claire u'll be proud of me!)
I met my class today so good impression to start lol!!!
Anyway hope u'r all ok!

8 un-interesting facts!

Thanks Dawn for tagging me... means I'll get back into blogging mode!
not that I can think of 8 facts but I'll try!

1) If I see a spider in my room & daddy isn't around to get it I have to move all the furniture around hoovering everywhere in sight till I'm happy it's dead or run into another room in the house
2) I have bitten my nails since I was 3 & need to stop!
3) The first time I went on a plane was for a Straight Ahead tour in Sweden, we landed on ice and I swore I would never get ona plane again.... I have done obviously! - I said I'd walk home instead of getting back on the plane! - I didnt obviously!
4) I've never broken a bone - although I did once ask my bro to jump on my arm to see if it would break...!
5) I played the violin for half a term but stopped coz it hurt my fingers too much!
6) I loooooove pic n mix & spent many free periods at college walking down to woolworths to get my pot of treats before gorging on them wiv me buddies in the canteen playing snap!
7) When I was in year 2 we went to Stubbers I wizzed up the climbing wall but once I reached the top I froze.... 3 adults & all my group holding onto the rope still would not convince me it was safe to let go of the wall.... mr stubbers man had to climb a ladder to drag me down!
8) My first pet only survived 13 days.... my gorgeous hamster ran away never to be seen dead or alive again - very strange he really did totally vanish....!

Sorry I haven't lived a very interesting life really!

Clara & Bexs I think u should do this now! xx

I want my daddy....

This is my second attempt at writing this blog coz I don't want to sound stupid....!

Ok whilst cat sitting I got 3 'presents' from the cats. The first appeared on Thursday evening as I tried to go to sleep, Paul got a phone call of me crying not knowing what to do about it he said to shut my door and deal with a dead mouse in the morning. I did as I was told, fell asleep eventually and covered the 'present' with a piece of newspaper in the morning. I then ran away to stay at my friends house for her wedding. Saturday afternoon Paul came over to get rid of the pressie for me. I then didnt want to stay at the house so after the wedding reception in west london we travelled back to Dagenham to sleep without any presents! Paul then deserted me on sunday to go to see some friends in cardiff and I had to go back to the cats. Thankfully I didnt have another present waiting for me!
Sunday I had a brill time at Sutton but had to go back to feed the cats - again no present woohoo! But.... sunday night as I started tidying up to go to bed Daisy (one of the cats!) ran through the kitchen (where I was) with a 'friend' in her mouth I go into total panic mode because my phone is in the lounge, I'm frozen in the kitchen with a mouse blocking my path! AHHHH! I threw some newspaper through a gap in the door to make Daisy drop it I then stamp on the floor to move Daisy away from the door. I leg it to the lounge, shut the door and wedge a chair against it - yes it was going to stop a mouse coming through....!!
I ring my mum who was with Zoe & dad in Worthing visiting my mum's mum & dad. Well she didn't really know what I was going on about & couldn't hear me over my childish crying. Once she understood there was a mouse 'somewhere' in the house she asked me what I wanted them to do. My answer: I want daddy!
Yes I didn't know what else to do I just knew I couldn't deal with it on my own (and let's face it Paul was miles away in cardiff hardly helpful!)

Don't we all feel like that sometimes when life just is too much or a situation is simply too much to deal with we just need our heavenly daddy to come and sort it out... He doesn't mind me coming to Him with my childish crying time and time again!


- yes dad came killed the 'present' and stayed with me for the night, Monday we went to my grandparents. At the end of the day we came back to the house to collect the rest of my stuff coz there was no way I was gonna stay another night & there in the hallway was my third 'present' sooooo glad I didn't go back on my own as was originally planned! My dad was my hero!!!

Cat/ house sitting + jelly babies + telly....!

Ok so I've always been uneasy about being at home alone I'd prefer to stay up all night making lots of noise rather than going to bed in a house alone bet for the next 7nights I'm going to be in a house thats not my own with two cats that also are not mine & dont know me....! Today I found my way from this house back to Upminster to pick up clothes for the week ahead, to Rainham to say hi to Paul before finding my way back to here with only one slight hiccup when the train didn't stop at West Ham & I had to stay on till Limehouse just to come back again but there we go!
Anyway that wasn't really why I was going to blog just thought I'd let you know where I am at the mo!
So to my blog...!
Yesterday I was watching the highlights of the Olympics and the conversation came up about how competitions are scored. I asked if the girls preferred watching sports that had a clear winner by whoever ran through the finishing line first or threw the furthest etc. Or the opinionated competitions like gymnastics where its very easy to disagree with the points awarded. (-They agreed with me that I'd prefer to see a clear winner to be fair) But it then got me thinking how God "marks" us. Does He compare us to other people in the same 'race' or does He just wait till we get to the end and say nope you missed the line by 3 random acts of kindness (for example!)
I know I ponder on 'the end' too much and no one has the answers (well except the big guy upstairs...!) but thought I'd say my wondering thoughts of today!

It's been a while!

Ok I know I've disappeared from the blogging scene but I've now got something to say so time to blog again!

Well we were at the summer school final festival thing last night and wow we have some amazing people within our church dont we! I wish I'd filmed the drama coz my words can't sum that up at all. It was just one of those things you have to experience and then spend time thinking about what you'd seen! Funnily enough my last blog was about wearing masks at church and how I wanted to throw mine away and here the youth were telling me I wasn't alone (which I know many people have told me recently but it really hit home through their little scenes) and wow the passion they acted with just felt like a slap round the face it's totally real just wow! words fail me!

I could blog about todays meeting as well (thanks Ann) but I can't work out how to express my thoughts yet so watch this space for my thoughts!

Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone tht falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everyone seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So wih a painted grin, I play teh part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weaknesses
And smiles to hide our pain
But if he invitation's open
To every heart the has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone eho's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay.

I cant get this song out my head so I'm doing a 'get it down on the screen instead of just thinking'
It's weird how me & Kirsty were both thinking of different songs this week but by the same band.... hummm dunno if that was for a reason..... we'll see.

There's a lot of questions in this song!

times past.....

whilst I was looking for the unmasked video I found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfaGGG1HGBg sent me back a few years!

I'm a "My mask is off blogger"

I was thinking about this issue of audience that Liz bought up from my last blog & I've realised that I blog thinking about who's reading this because if I didn't want people to read it I'd write my thoughts in a diary.... I was talking to a very good friend yesterday at church about how we wear masks at church - you know what I mean it's the "everything's fine and dandy with me & my family thanks" when two seconds earlier u've just been grounded for a month for fighting & breaking your little sister's favourite toy.... or the "yes life's great thanks really getting somewhere" which translates at: my life is on the rocks & I'm praying God will get me out and somewhere better
I blog to tell people how I really feel, you ask me my opinion on something I'm likely to give you a politically correct answer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrIKFLJP8Jc
watch this. As I left church yesterday my mate told me how she feels & I was sooooo excited to know she was feeling exactly the same as me yet we had both just sat in church & chatted afterwards wearing our masks of "yep I'm totally ok with God & everything". How sad if we can't show our true feelings and emotions to our friends at church, who can we tell? we've got a friend suffering terribly with depression & in our group of three we coulod all list 2 or 3 other people we knew who had spent times in darkness yet we only knew after they'd got through it our we too proud as Christians to accept we need help or is it a human fault?? I dunno but I hope one day I can turn up to church leaving my mask at home maybe we all will....

At the moment I can't be unmasked at church but I can sit 2hrs away from home & be my true self so here I am the unmasked blogger

Y does Roots make me so confuzzled??

Warning to anyone bored enough to read this:

Don't read to much into this I'm just putting down how I'm feeling & it really wont make sense to some of you & I'm not making any rush decisions I'm just trying to clarify my thoughts & feelings.

so end of the weekend, time to think through everything that was said.....!
I'm kinda mixed in how I feel at the moment to be honest. I want to rip up my uniform & live my life as a Chrisian not a Salvationist, I want to leave the church behind & take a walk in my non-christian friends shoes to see what the real world is like. We live in our bubble of 'everything is fine coz God's in control' but that's not real life, I don't know what it's like to feel like you're world is ending fully because I've been "brain-washed" to believe God's made me go through this horrible situation for a reason. How can I know how my friends feel if I've never been any where near their darker moments.... How can I go up2 someone in the street and say hey watever is going wrong in your life God will fix when I've never experienced God fixing stuff coz I've never been totally broken????
I want my life to be in tatters without feeling that God is in control & I don't want people to tell me everything will be fine I want to feel the pain my friends go through. I want God to leave me & to really experience today's world.
Is that a bad thing??? All weekend we've been talking about going public with our faith but right now I don't feel I'm full of faith I feel like I'm full of being taught how to be a Christian within our church. I haven't done the lessons on how to tell my friends about God, I haven't been taught how to know what to say to someone when they are going through their own hell whilst I stand there thinking well if u believed in God everything would be hunky doory...!

I know this won't make sense to some of you but I wear my uniform because I want to sing in the songsters not because I feel like I should wear it (I don't fully understand why we wear it either...!) I want to leave the army because I am struggling to see how we are still doing what William Booth wanted us to do but I can't pluck up the courage to leave my church - I'm scared of what I'll find in other churches... I just don't know where I stand right now. & to be honest I don't care what people read into this or think what I'm saying about my life I just don't know how I'm feeling or what to do about my confusion we'll have to wait and see (yep there's the classic "let's see what God has in store for me.....") I don't want to wait and see what God has in store for me I want to be in control of my own life, my decisions & not feel guilty about the choices I make.

- yes I can say I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I believe He sent His only son to die for us & take away our sins. BUT I don't feel I'm living the Christian life I'm not passionate about anything I feel like I'm in a Christian coma (that only makes sense to me & I dont know how to explain it)

I've now been debating whether or not to post this for like 10mins because I know how some people will interpret my mumblings & I don't want you to do that I just want to get my opinion off my chest..... If i dont post this I'll be annoyed at myself & wont be able to comment on Roots coz this is how it's left me feeling.... to post or not to post that is the question....
(I've just realised that if I do post this u'r going to think im weirder than normal coz of my random waffle-y debate with myself.....)

Sadly I'm trying to make this decision without asking God what I should do to make a point but I'm scared of what u'll think of me when you read this I wonder if other people think what I'm thinking..... right I'm gonna post this but just remember I dont no what I'm feeling & thinking reakky it's just a mad confusion of thoughts......

Does God hear our prayers??.... YEP!

Hiya everybody!

Today in FOJ we were talking about how God answers pray when we ask Him, well, I've had 3 weeks to realise how true that is for me. I'll explain!

I was having a really tricky placement this year, my teacher didnt want me to do wat I needed to be doing to pass & I was waking up hoping for something bad to happen so I didnt have to go to school but anyway in my last week a lecturer came to see me & I explained everything so I was allowed to leave my school. Well pros: I didnt have to go back to the school, cons: I hadn't completed my placement so wouldnt be able to graduate this year. My immediate thoughts: despair, anger and a lot of tears. But now... well!!
I've been told I'll be given a placement school back in Havering so I wont be broke paying stupid amount of money for rent (added stress!!!) and as long as I do good (!) I'm already in a good position to go into a school in January.
So I'm feeling very positive about that now. As for the rest of my life well I've been really struggling to hear God's voice in terms of what to do in terms of whether to stay at Sutton to keep working with Sparklers or come back to Romford to FOJ and you all... well with the recent events God's finally clear!
In other news Paul is finishing uni next June & I was like grrr I'm gonna be working for a whole year before I can spend any real time with him but now it's only half a year woohoo!! see God really does have a bigger plan & I just needed to pray for Him to tell me what to do & wow He spoke & told me EXACTLY what I'm gonna do! see you all a lot more often woohoo! (well once ive got through my essays & more essays lol!)

no title really......

Hello all!

Just wanted to share this with you I don't know who wrote it but we were given it in small group the other week & think it's worth everyone reading & take what you do from it....!
"stop fighting that battle, I've already done that for you. Be still. Open your eyes. My love for you has cast out all fear. Look at what I've done. Stop wringing your hands in worry. I love you. I want you to expereience the peace I've given you."

we've got Ofsted monday & tuesday next week so I've bin shipped out to the nursery which is lovely (with all 50 + on the register....!) Obviously it doesn't affect me what the school get or what they think & I don't have to do anything (except learn lots of names...!) but the school has bin mad thursday & friday this week since we got the news everyone is just looking different no one is just chatting as they pass each other in the corridor or even sitting in the staff room coz suddenly we've got all these jobs to be doing... just got me thinking if God decided today was the day he was gonna come back & gave us 2 days notice what would we do tidy up, forgive someone, cry, laugh, panic.... fortunatly He wont tell us coz that'd be weird but then when we were Ofsted-ed at summer camp a woman just turned up in the morning without any warning I've never seen myself tidy an art room any quicker or settle children down to get on with 'being creative ' as speedily. Would we have time to do the things we wanted to do if God decided right now it's time to go.... Would I regret leaving people behind without telling them once more how much they mean to me do they know how much I need and value their friendship.... There's a song by Celebr8 called 'If today was the last day' It says:

If today was the last of all days would it change how you feel inside?
Would you rise for a moment above all your fears?
Become one with the moon and the stars?
Would you like what you see looking down?
Did you give everything that you could?
Have you done all the things that you've wanted to do?
Is there still so much more that you want?

Follow your dreams to the end of the rainbow
Way beyond one pot of gold
Open you eyes to the colours that's around you
Find the true beauty life holds

Would you live for the moment like when you were young?
And time didn't travel so fast
Being free in the present, enjoying the now
Not tied to the future or a past

You've probably said all you wanted to say
But doesn't it strike you as strange
That we'd only begin to start living our lives
If today was the last of all days.

Then again to go back to the beginning I need to not worry about what I don't know & just get on with life as it is.....

wasn't gonna waffle on then was just gonna write up the quote the madness that is my mind when I open a new post page!
Hope you're all having good weeks & are well (and yes I do value you all & hope you know how much you mean to me....) xxx

I'm still here just not so much in the waffling obvious way!.....!

Hiya everyone!

Thought I'd write a post today coz I'm prob gonna disappear for the next 6 weeks till I finish my manic final placement I've got 5 weeks left but I'm now pretending to be a real teacher ( I do feel like I'm an actor!) (that should be actress really shouldn't it....!)
Anyway!
I had my interview today with two head teachers in Havering which was really bizarre I've never been so conscious of how not to look scared! but they were really positive so hopefully that went ok... Thank you for all your prayers I really do appreciate all your support xxx

In other news I'm doing my final test tomorrow (out of 3) that you have to pass to be given your qualified teacher status it's maths which aint my strongest subject hence leaving it till now...! but I'm gonna go for it & accept that I can always resit it esp. now that the bus at the end of my road goes to Victoria so it only costs my 90p! (well ok £1.80 if I wanna come home again!)
The rest of my 'relaxing' half term will be spent planning lots of lessons wow the fun....!

I don't really have anything of interest to say but just wanted to say hi & explain why I've disappeared from the blogging world over the next couple of weeks! (I do always find time to read what you're all upto so keep blogging PLEASE!!!!)

Anyway, I'm gonna go & make a cuppa tea before I grab an early night (interviews & an afternoon playing with younger cousins is really tiring!)

Hope you're all having good half terms, 1st week back at school etc., (sarah, I aint got a clue wat you're upto at the mo but that don't mean I'm not thinking & praying for you!)

See you all soon.....!

quick blog whilst I overcome my maths planning brain wave blockage!

Really quick gonna write this & prob come back to it at some later date but I wanted to blog last sunday but all week have been majorly busy & not had chance to release it from my head so very quickly here is my thought! (yes me sticking with the same thought for over a week is weird hence needing to write it down to stop thinking about it!)

ok i was talking with some very special people at Sutton about adherants & soldiership & how as soldiers we live our lives by what it says on a piece of paper. one person said how they'd love to be an adherant just to experience 'life' not stupidly like going out getting drunk, gambling away all her wages but just knowing that it she went out she could experience what alcohol tastes like...
It got me thinking that we are rather stuck up about certain things our commitment says & we are not as bothered about the others. For example if I turned up next Sunday with a massive hangover (or an injury from a 'drunken mishap') people would start talking but if I turned up knowing full well I hadn't read my Bible or prayed all week would people make comments?? Is it different because people don't know whether we are praying/ reading our Bibles daily or becausewe are more shocked at a soldier (gasp!) living a life that any other Christian outside the Sally Army leads????
just a thought....

(btw don't read too much into this it was just a discussion we were having!) - just realised how some people might interpret it lol!!

Back at uni....

Well I'm back in Roehampton again this time I didnt have quite as long off as previously Mr Gorilla will be pleased to know!
I came back yesterday (Saturday) so I could go to Sutton today I'm now more involoved with Sparklers so although I wasn't on the rota I went out with the children to see if Debbie needed me to stay which I did!
Today is Epiphany (the day Christians remember the wise men visiting Jesus) so we were looking at the star they followed and the word 'Hope' I've never really thought about the star as a major elelment in the Christmas story it just kinda appears, does it's job and disappears but today it was at the centre point of the story as a symbol of hope. The wise men believed the star was important enough to trek across desert and whateva to get to the chosen birth place of Jesus. What went through their minds....

what if we lose the star & end up in the middle of nowhere.... what if we're wrong this is just another shooting star.... what do we say to the King when we meet him?.... who are we meant to meet at the end?.... how do we know we have arrived & the star isn't just telling us to rest....

I dunno what they thought but they kept going because they believed it was the right thing to do, they hoped to meet and worship the new king. It's like those times when people say step out of your comfort box & just trust God to guide you. We often say how do I know this is God not just me wanting something to happen so say it's God when really it could just be me or that can't be God that's just my mind being random.... but the wise men didnt doubt they trusted and went (yes with a bit of help from their brains & star map stuff) surely our maps & brains come in the form of other people telling us to go for it (I mean people who have asked God for confamation not just our younger siblings saying hey if God is telling you to run off to Africa then yea go coz then I can get your room.....)
so I guess what I'm saying is if a group of men trust a shinning light to lead them to the saviour of the world surely I should trust God to guide me..... easier said than done though hey!