Don't read to much into this I'm just putting down how I'm feeling & it really wont make sense to some of you & I'm not making any rush decisions I'm just trying to clarify my thoughts & feelings.
so end of the weekend, time to think through everything that was said.....!
I'm kinda mixed in how I feel at the moment to be honest. I want to rip up my uniform & live my life as a Chrisian not a Salvationist, I want to leave the church behind & take a walk in my non-christian friends shoes to see what the real world is like. We live in our bubble of 'everything is fine coz God's in control' but that's not real life, I don't know what it's like to feel like you're world is ending fully because I've been "brain-washed" to believe God's made me go through this horrible situation for a reason. How can I know how my friends feel if I've never been any where near their darker moments.... How can I go up2 someone in the street and say hey watever is going wrong in your life God will fix when I've never experienced God fixing stuff coz I've never been totally broken????
I want my life to be in tatters without feeling that God is in control & I don't want people to tell me everything will be fine I want to feel the pain my friends go through. I want God to leave me & to really experience today's world.
Is that a bad thing??? All weekend we've been talking about going public with our faith but right now I don't feel I'm full of faith I feel like I'm full of being taught how to be a Christian within our church. I haven't done the lessons on how to tell my friends about God, I haven't been taught how to know what to say to someone when they are going through their own hell whilst I stand there thinking well if u believed in God everything would be hunky doory...!
I know this won't make sense to some of you but I wear my uniform because I want to sing in the songsters not because I feel like I should wear it (I don't fully understand why we wear it either...!) I want to leave the army because I am struggling to see how we are still doing what William Booth wanted us to do but I can't pluck up the courage to leave my church - I'm scared of what I'll find in other churches... I just don't know where I stand right now. & to be honest I don't care what people read into this or think what I'm saying about my life I just don't know how I'm feeling or what to do about my confusion we'll have to wait and see (yep there's the classic "let's see what God has in store for me.....") I don't want to wait and see what God has in store for me I want to be in control of my own life, my decisions & not feel guilty about the choices I make.
- yes I can say I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I believe He sent His only son to die for us & take away our sins. BUT I don't feel I'm living the Christian life I'm not passionate about anything I feel like I'm in a Christian coma (that only makes sense to me & I dont know how to explain it)
I've now been debating whether or not to post this for like 10mins because I know how some people will interpret my mumblings & I don't want you to do that I just want to get my opinion off my chest..... If i dont post this I'll be annoyed at myself & wont be able to comment on Roots coz this is how it's left me feeling.... to post or not to post that is the question....
(I've just realised that if I do post this u'r going to think im weirder than normal coz of my random waffle-y debate with myself.....)
Sadly I'm trying to make this decision without asking God what I should do to make a point but I'm scared of what u'll think of me when you read this I wonder if other people think what I'm thinking..... right I'm gonna post this but just remember I dont no what I'm feeling & thinking reakky it's just a mad confusion of thoughts......
7 comments:
Judith, Bless You!!!
I understand more than you know and I don't think you are weird!
And I don't think we are alone in these questioning thoughts. It's just that some are braver than others in blogging them!!
I wonder who you are thinking about why you use the word 'you' as in 'I'm scared of what you will think of me'. I guess folks reading it might think - woah, Jude cares what I think! I did(hehe).
I agree with Fiona,it is a brave blog Miss Fox and you are voicing some 'dangerous' as in scarey desires (not talking about the uniform stuff here). Hope this blog process helps you out. x
The 'you' I think about as I write is hard to explain. I think about 3 different types of people.
1) people that just read blogs to see what people think of the world so don't comment unless they agree or disagree strongly about something - so I don't know how they are going to read into my waffle which scares me a bit!
2) people that care about me as a person & know me well - I worry they'll see a different side to me they never would have if I hadn't blogged & not like what they see
3) people who wouldn't know how I see the world unless they read my blog - these people worry me in that I dont know what kind of impression I am making over the world of the internet!
- oh & there's the people who don't fit into any catergory but I pretend 'you' are only within these 3 coz otherwise my head explodes!!
Maybe that doesn't make sense.... but that's who 'you' is in my head..!!!
It's funny how we consider who our'audience' might be isn't it, AND how we are prepared to be so personal in a place where essentially ANYONE could read it.
If blogs were paper diaries, would we buy the ones with locks on?
I think it's healthy to get it out of your system in a way that other people might understand - for me it helps me make some sence of the world as seen through my eyes and processed through my brain. My audience is sometimes just ME!
I blogged an unbloggable blog the other day. It will never be posted, because it's too personal, but that's crazy really, isn't it and kind of defeats the object of a blog?!
There is so much I could say to you about your blog - not to agree or disagree with you, but simply to share.
I feel at the moment, and have felt for a while, that my life is in tatters....and I'm a Christian....I don't want people to tell me everything will be fine because I can't see how it is.
Having faith doesn't mean that God is going to make life easy.
It's interesting that you say about being taught how to be a Christian - claiming faith for ourselves, when we've been brought up in a church, I think, can happen over time. I'm sure it's something I could pinpoint accurately. All I do know, is that without that 'teaching', I would be a different person, but you are right that we HAVE to live our own faith at somepoint.
I can honestly say that going to a different church for four years and experiencing a Christian Union where denomintation was irrelevant, also for four years, was one of my better decisions. I wasn't living my parent's faith, I wasn't being seen as a 'Salvationist', I was simply someone who loved God.
Please don't think you are alone. Like Fiona says, more people will understand that you think. I guess it's one of those things that we don't openly talk about.
Keep being brave. Keep questioning. I think the time to worry is when you don't!
That should have read
"I'm NOT sure it's something I could pinpoint accurately. "
opps!
jude... wow... would be really cool to catch up... maybe through email?? im off facebook for a week at the mo but am really interested in chatting wiht you about this... im thinking more and more we are really similar!!!!!
sarah x
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