Stained Glass Masquerade

Is there anyone that fails
Is there anyone tht falls
Am I the only one in church today feelin' so small

Cause when I take a look around
Everyone seems so strong
I know they'll soon discover
That I don't belong

So I tuck it all away, like everything's okay
If I make them all believe it, maybe I'll believe it too
So wih a painted grin, I play teh part again
So everyone will see me the way that I see them

Are we happy plastic people
Under shiny plastic steeples
With walls around our weaknesses
And smiles to hide our pain
But if he invitation's open
To every heart the has been broken
Maybe then we close the curtain on our stained glass masquerade

Is there anyone eho's been there
Are there any hands to raise
Am I the only one who's traded
In the altar for a stage

The performance is convincing
And we know every line by heart
Only when no one is watching
Can we really fall apart
But would it set me free
If I dared to let you see
The truth behind the person
That you imagine me to be

Would your arms be open
Or would you walk away
Would the love of Jesus
Be enough to make you stay.

I cant get this song out my head so I'm doing a 'get it down on the screen instead of just thinking'
It's weird how me & Kirsty were both thinking of different songs this week but by the same band.... hummm dunno if that was for a reason..... we'll see.

There's a lot of questions in this song!

times past.....

whilst I was looking for the unmasked video I found this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HfaGGG1HGBg sent me back a few years!

I'm a "My mask is off blogger"

I was thinking about this issue of audience that Liz bought up from my last blog & I've realised that I blog thinking about who's reading this because if I didn't want people to read it I'd write my thoughts in a diary.... I was talking to a very good friend yesterday at church about how we wear masks at church - you know what I mean it's the "everything's fine and dandy with me & my family thanks" when two seconds earlier u've just been grounded for a month for fighting & breaking your little sister's favourite toy.... or the "yes life's great thanks really getting somewhere" which translates at: my life is on the rocks & I'm praying God will get me out and somewhere better
I blog to tell people how I really feel, you ask me my opinion on something I'm likely to give you a politically correct answer.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MrIKFLJP8Jc
watch this. As I left church yesterday my mate told me how she feels & I was sooooo excited to know she was feeling exactly the same as me yet we had both just sat in church & chatted afterwards wearing our masks of "yep I'm totally ok with God & everything". How sad if we can't show our true feelings and emotions to our friends at church, who can we tell? we've got a friend suffering terribly with depression & in our group of three we coulod all list 2 or 3 other people we knew who had spent times in darkness yet we only knew after they'd got through it our we too proud as Christians to accept we need help or is it a human fault?? I dunno but I hope one day I can turn up to church leaving my mask at home maybe we all will....

At the moment I can't be unmasked at church but I can sit 2hrs away from home & be my true self so here I am the unmasked blogger

Y does Roots make me so confuzzled??

Warning to anyone bored enough to read this:

Don't read to much into this I'm just putting down how I'm feeling & it really wont make sense to some of you & I'm not making any rush decisions I'm just trying to clarify my thoughts & feelings.

so end of the weekend, time to think through everything that was said.....!
I'm kinda mixed in how I feel at the moment to be honest. I want to rip up my uniform & live my life as a Chrisian not a Salvationist, I want to leave the church behind & take a walk in my non-christian friends shoes to see what the real world is like. We live in our bubble of 'everything is fine coz God's in control' but that's not real life, I don't know what it's like to feel like you're world is ending fully because I've been "brain-washed" to believe God's made me go through this horrible situation for a reason. How can I know how my friends feel if I've never been any where near their darker moments.... How can I go up2 someone in the street and say hey watever is going wrong in your life God will fix when I've never experienced God fixing stuff coz I've never been totally broken????
I want my life to be in tatters without feeling that God is in control & I don't want people to tell me everything will be fine I want to feel the pain my friends go through. I want God to leave me & to really experience today's world.
Is that a bad thing??? All weekend we've been talking about going public with our faith but right now I don't feel I'm full of faith I feel like I'm full of being taught how to be a Christian within our church. I haven't done the lessons on how to tell my friends about God, I haven't been taught how to know what to say to someone when they are going through their own hell whilst I stand there thinking well if u believed in God everything would be hunky doory...!

I know this won't make sense to some of you but I wear my uniform because I want to sing in the songsters not because I feel like I should wear it (I don't fully understand why we wear it either...!) I want to leave the army because I am struggling to see how we are still doing what William Booth wanted us to do but I can't pluck up the courage to leave my church - I'm scared of what I'll find in other churches... I just don't know where I stand right now. & to be honest I don't care what people read into this or think what I'm saying about my life I just don't know how I'm feeling or what to do about my confusion we'll have to wait and see (yep there's the classic "let's see what God has in store for me.....") I don't want to wait and see what God has in store for me I want to be in control of my own life, my decisions & not feel guilty about the choices I make.

- yes I can say I'm a Christian, I believe in God, I believe He sent His only son to die for us & take away our sins. BUT I don't feel I'm living the Christian life I'm not passionate about anything I feel like I'm in a Christian coma (that only makes sense to me & I dont know how to explain it)

I've now been debating whether or not to post this for like 10mins because I know how some people will interpret my mumblings & I don't want you to do that I just want to get my opinion off my chest..... If i dont post this I'll be annoyed at myself & wont be able to comment on Roots coz this is how it's left me feeling.... to post or not to post that is the question....
(I've just realised that if I do post this u'r going to think im weirder than normal coz of my random waffle-y debate with myself.....)

Sadly I'm trying to make this decision without asking God what I should do to make a point but I'm scared of what u'll think of me when you read this I wonder if other people think what I'm thinking..... right I'm gonna post this but just remember I dont no what I'm feeling & thinking reakky it's just a mad confusion of thoughts......